Going My Own Way

I know that it has been a very long time since I published anything, mainly because of what I am about to share with you. I could not talk about my current experiences without discussing this, and I could not articulate it until now.... so here goes.

When I was about six years, my mom took me to a production that was entirely performed by kids. In all the theater my parents had exposed me to, I had never seen that many kids about my age on stage. Suddenly I turned to my mom, and said “I want to try that”.
I was never a shy kid, quite talkative and imaginative, so theater was a perfect outlet.
From that time, until about three years ago, my life was filled with theater. To put my career in community, and professional theater into numbers, that is 12 years, 45 shows and some odd film and tv productions, not counting the classes, private lessons and camps that I attended over the years. And don’t even get me started on the hours my amazing parents put in over the years, driving me all over Northeast Ohio for auditions, rehearsals and shows. It would be a boldfaced lie to tell you I loved every show. But I learned something from every experience, positive or negative.

I did my last show about three years ago, and for the first time I began to feel like I truly understood what people had been saying about ‘getting into character’. I threw myself into trying to understand this complex character, created an intricate back-story and allowed myself to explore every facet of this character. 
I then planned to take a break before heading off to college where I planned to study theater and participate in shows, as I had been doing for 12 years.
As in so many things, this did not go according to plan. Although I choose a program with a phenomenal faculty, fantastic classes and an impressive roster of alums who had successful careers in acting, the only show I have done in college is a one-act project for a directing class, certainly not the weeks long process I was used to, and missed.
Suddenly the first year was up and I had had just one very unsuccessful callback. To put this into perspective, the department I choose puts up over 12 shows a semester, and as I soon discovered is a intricate system of many of the same people being cast in the same kinds of shows. I thought for sure my luck would change second semester, but things remained the same, if not worse.
I had hardly ever been the kind of actress who frets over every show I didn’t get callback for, or cast in, and I don’t remember being nervous ever. My confidence in my abilities as an actor were shaken, before eventually being shattered. The outlet I had loved and spent a large chunk of my life devoting myself to, suddenly caused me nothing but grief and frustration. I began to dread going to the classes I loved, because they only reminded me what I was missing, and even walking into the building began to give me a physical reaction. I would feel my energy levels drop and it filled me with a dual longing for what I was missing, and an anger that I had left a solid foundation with connections in a supportive theater community back home.

This year, despite my great teachers and classes in that program, for the first time in my life, I made a decision that for me is revolutionary;
I quit theater.
I quit something I loved, and hope to maybe love again. 
I quit something that had ceased to fill my life with joy, energy and creativity, and was now only causing me sadness. 
I quit something I wanted to fill my life with, in order to devote more time and energy to new passions and ventures.

I have always had other passions and things that interested me, but with theater filling up so much of my life, it was often a struggle to balance these interests.
Right now, its a struggle to be involved in any facet of the theater, because this experience has left a gaping wound behind that I am slowly but surely trying to stitch back together again. Writing and sharing this is a part of that. Somehow lots of people around me just assumed that I wanted to pursue theater as a career, even though I never really indicated I did.
As hard as this period of my life has been, it has also been full of important introspection. I am re-discovering who I am and what I am interested in. Theater gave me so many gifts, like the ability to improvise in tricky situations, an affinity and ease with public speaking, and the ability to collaborate as a team. But now I am forging a new path for myself, one full of academia, work, friends, and taking care of myself, and what a wonderful new path it is.

So please, don’t give my regards to Broadway, because I’m going my own way.

(Disclaimer, the thoughts expressed in this piece are my own.)

The Six Month Mark.

I cannot believe it has already been six months since my “Little” Grandma Carol passed away after a very short, and sudden battle with Stage 4 Lung Cancer. I have so many fond memories of spending time at her home in the countryside of Ohio.
She was a feisty, strong and caring woman, who taught me so much. She fostered my love of politics, old movies like Meet Me In St. Louis, all the Shirley Temple films, and what it means to give so much of yourself to the people you love. She was the kind of person who you could call in the middle of the night, and she would drop everything to listen.
I have always felt very connected with her. Sometimes she understood me in a way that no one else did. When I was growing up she used to take me shopping and out to lunch on my birthday. I remember one particular birthday, we went Aladdin’s, I was probably 11 or 12, and we had finished our lunch, and were splitting a piece of cheesecake. She sat there for probably 30 minutes and listened to me ramble on about the smallest details of my dream home that I had concocted in my mind.
She wasn't perfect, but nobody is. She could be moody, she worried to much, and my god was she stubborn. But she was an incredible person. She raised five children, and adored her 4 grandchildren and 2 great-grandchildren.
Some days I let myself forget, pretend like this summer didn’t happen. That I didn’t come home from College to a world of hospital visits, oxygen machines, chocolate cupcakes from Au Bon Pan, and heartbreaking news, and eventually hospice.
The doctors at the Cleveland Clinic were so incredible to her, and to us. I will never forget their kindness, tenacity and determination to try and beat this. But ultimately it was just too late. I was with the other side of the family on vacation, when the decision was made to stop chemo treatments, and we were told that she had “days to weeks” to live. Apparently one of her doctors, who she thought totally looked like Prince Harry, had bonded with her over their shared love of frog legs. The night we found out, he brought her frog legs in the hospital, of his own accord and caring.
The wonderful people in the hospice not only took care of her in her last days, but they also took care of us. The support of loved ones and friends was what got us through, and is continuing to get us through.
The first thing I wanted to do when I heard about the blizzard that hit parts of the east coast early this week, was call her and let her know I was ok, because she would have worried. My heart is breaking that she won’t see me graduate from college, get married, have kids, and share in both the joys and sorrows of my life. I want more than anything to give her one more hug, say I love you, and watch Meet Me In St. Louis while eating hot wings just one more time.

Once again...

Hey Everyone,
So once again my blogging dropped off my priority list, but I'm hoping to keep up with it more this second semester and beyond.
All in all, it was a good semester! I choose some really good classes, got elected to student senate, and did plenty of baby-sitting. I made new friends,
fostered existing friendships and am trying to just let go of any anxiety around social stuff.
My Fibro was actually pretty well managed for the most part. However, I am challenging myself to make my health, both mental and physical, even more of a priority.
So in the coming weeks and months I am going to be trying to blog at least once a week.
I will be heading back to Sarah Lawrence next sunday, and I am terribly excited to tackle my forth semester head on!

Scheduling Stress

The last week was extremely stressful, rewarding and tumultuous. 

Lets start with the rewarding aspects shall we? (Its like eating your dessert before your least favorite food) 

I am loving my new jobs as both a babysitter and a part-time nanny. The youngest of the children I am watching M, is completely precious. We watched lots of 'Baby Signing Time' videos (I've memorized all the songs already....) and eventually we snuggled on the couch watching Finding Nemo. Babysitting for M tomorrow night, handful, but what a sweet baby. The other family I am working for is entirely delightful. They have twins and an older daughter all under 5 years old. They are slowly getting used to me, and I to them. Its a challenge juggling three young children, but its completely worth it when they say cute things to me, or are sad when its time for me to leave! 

Also extremely rewarding is getting to see friends that I missed all summer! 

Lets move on to the stressful..... the celery of my life. 

The way the Sarah Lawrence system of class sign ups works is very complicated and really hard to explain. In the most simple form, you interview with professors whose classes you are interested in, and then you sign up for up to three of those classes (more if you opt to take a 'third') and then wait about 48 hours to find out if you actually got in to the classes you wanted. If you didn't (this is called getting bumped) you have to do the same process, really quickly, all over again. 

As I am sure you have surmised by now, I got BUMPED again this year. From not one, but two classes. Obviously upset, my saturday morning and early afternoon was pretty stressful, traumatic and aggravating. (I have now ended up in a course examining the historical evolution of psychological thought, and a course examining plays... I do love my college in the end) 

On the tumultuous side, trying to figure out how my schedule is going to work, how I am going to juggle my class load, my childcare jobs, my work as a tour guide, a few extracurriculars, and maybe even a 'smidge' of a social life....is nothing if not exhausting already. But on the flip side, I am happiest when I am busier! The key to juggling all of this, is getting enough sleep, eating right, taking care of myself, and being diligent about taking care of my Fibromyalgia symptoms. 

Even though it was a stressful week, I am so extremely excited to be beginning my second year of classes, and this newest chapter of my life! 

Sour Lemonade

I am back! So happy and thrilled to be back at my second home, Sarah Lawrence!
I set out a week ago (time flies by!) on thursday night with my mom, and we stayed at a friends home in western new york, before making the long, long drive to Bronxville/Yonkers. We pulled into the college just before 5, and started unloading my stuff.
I am living in a really nice single in Dudley Lawrence this year. Dudley Lawrence is one of the old dorms ,and it was named after Sarah Lawrence's son, Dudley. I am living in a corner room, which is really lovely, except for the GIANT radiator and the funny wall that juts out so that there is no good place to put the bed.... a fun discovery after a long car trip.... I am sharing my adjoining bathroom with my good friend, and fellow Whovian club co-chair, Josephine. Still trying to unpack and get settled in, but I will post pictures when I am totally finished!!
On saturday I helped out with move in day for the freshman, where I was in charge of telling parents to chill out in the tent with refreshments and information booths so that their students could get registered, which was a really fun job, but I am fairly certain I took the instruction to be excited and peppy to a whole new level......
Registering for classes, interviewing professors, catching up with friends, and babysitting have made this week simply fly by! Yesterday I had a bit of a snag, and I came home from an evening babysitting the cutest little boy to find that my suite mate had made a huge batch of chocolate chip cookies!
I am so glad to be back at the school that stole my heart. Hoping my schedule works out, and just truly looking forward to all the good stuff I am expecting this year to bring.
I didn't have the best summer. But I did learn to stop taking life for granted so much, and to try to be in the moment more. Life is going to throw obstacles in your way, which is pretty much what my summer amounted to, but thats actually okay. Plans change, but all we can do is make lemonade out of sour lemons and hope that it tastes okay, and if it doesn't, just throw some more sugar in!

May your day be filled with joy, and your heart with happiness!

-Katrina

About Little, and a quick summer recap!

I was unable to bring myself to write about my summer until very recently. Or approach the subject of my grandmothers death in a way that was more profound than a few Facebook posts. 

My beloved Grandmother Carolyn (Vernon) Allbritain passed away on July 22nd. The whole ordeal was very scary, sad and frustrating. She was in Hospice for the last 11 days of her life, and the staff there did an amazing job taking care of her, and of us. I am going to post an excerpt of what I said at her memorial a few weeks ago below: 

Good afternoon. I’m Katrina, Carol’s Granddaughter and her youngest Daughter Barbara’s only child. I am the middle grandchild, and Carol was staying with my family during her final weeks. 

When I was probably about 3, I distinctly remember making the frank observation to my mom, that her mom was little and my dad’s parents were big.  She told me that wasn’t very nice, but I set the record straight right away, clarifying that I meant in their heights. Somehow this got relayed to my Grandma, and through some chain of events I am not able to remember, this became my nickname for her. So she was my little, and I was her little. 

Without my grandma in my life, I would not have such an intense interest in politics, or take a guilty sort of pleasure in tabloid magazines. She fostered my love of reading. She introduced me to amazing movies, both more recent and classic ones alike. She also fostered my fascination with the British Royals, and I watched the recent Royal Wedding on her living room floor. She indulged my make-believe as a child, and always made sure her home was a welcome place for me. Growing up, a visit to Grandma’s meant that the cookie jar in the kitchen was full of chocolate chip cookies (from a package, but still!), there was probably a pot of her vegetable soup on the stove, and some cheddar biscuits from Red Lobster being heated in the oven;

My grandma was generous, sometimes to a fault, she was an incredible listener, and She told really good stories. Throughout the last few weeks in was positively remarkable the impact she had on all the doctors, nurses and staff. They told us over and over that they had never met anyone like her. 

I am so grateful for the amazing care of the staff of the Hospice of the Western Reserve. Not only did they take amazing care of Carolyn, respecting her both as a patient, but also as a person, but they also took amazing care of our family. 

I feel so blessed to have had my grandma in my life for as long as I did. To have gotten the opportunity to get to know her, to learn from her, and to love her, is one that I will treasure always. Something that I will always appreciate about her, was her unique ability to touch people, to treat everyone with warmth and dignity (unless they pissed her off, then well, their loss, they could bare the brunt of her snark!). She never treated me like a child, always valuing my opinion. 

I feel lost, like this is all some terrible dream. But I want to say this. Little, if you can hear me. I hope you are happy wherever you are, even if you are separated from us. I hope you and Michael are together, watching Rachel Maddow, drinking some Pepsi and reading together. But who is going to watch Meet Me In St. Louis with me? Who is going to send me articles in the mail from magazine? Who is going to recommend amazing books? Who can I call at midnight, with any question or story? My heart is breaking at losing my grandma, my Little.

Now I would like to close with a poem by David Harkins entitled: She is Gone

You can shed tears that she is gone,
Or you can smile because she lived,
You can close your eyes and hope that she will come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all that she has left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her
Or you can be full of the love that you shared,
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her and only that she is gone
Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on,
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your
back,
Or you can do what she would want: smile, open your eyes,
love and go on.

****************************************************

Suffice to say, my summer was not perfect. Its been pretty interesting trying to explain to my friends, teachers and classmates back at Sarah Lawrence... I've gone from saying "okay" "Fine" "eeeeehhhh" "long story" to the most direct "shitty". 

There were some good bits too!!!!! Some really beautiful outings with friends, a really nice mini-vacation with my Dad's side of the family, and getting to spend some really nice quality time with my younger cousin Rachel. Working at The Sweet Spot was a nice refuge, and our family friends were amazing in their support from my Grandma's diagnosis, to Hospice, to her memorial service. 

I am so glad to be back at SLC. (Post directly to follow!!!) 

The recap.

So, its been way too long since I've posted on this blog, granted, but that doesn't mean my life hasn't stopped moving way too fast. I've decided that I'm not going to berate myself for my lack of organization with this whole blogging thing, because thats not really important in the grand scheme of things.
I finished up my first semester at Sarah Lawrence, a couple of months of late nights and stressful deadlines, but I did it! I also got to perform in my first college show, as part of the one-act festival. It was exhilarating to be back on the stage. I feel like I had been holding my breath since the last time, and I was only able to exhale after I was back. My parents made the drive to come up and see me for the second night, when it was pouring rain. On my way down to the dressing room I slipped and fell down half a flight of concrete stairs, triggering some of my fibromyalgia symptoms, which was very frustrating, so my second night of the show was perhaps hindered by the pain I was in, despite using all of my tools for managing pain.
On the subject of my Fibromyalgia, I've managed to get some of the pain, frequent headaches and exhaustion under control, started physical therapy, and I'm making changes to my diet to try and manage my symptoms.
As much as I love my school, it was such a relief to get home, to sleep in my own bed, to be in familiar surroundings. I've gotten to see a good many of my closest friends, and do a couple of fun things in-between working as a babysitter, at The Sweet Spot gelato shop, and as an intern for an awesome female empowerment organization, called Tigress, that uses entrepreneurship and the creative arts to give girls tools to empower themselves.
I was barely home two weeks when my world sort of got turned upside down... see the next post for more information and reflection.

Thanks for reading, and for going along this journey with me.