Going My Own Way

I know that it has been a very long time since I published anything, mainly because of what I am about to share with you. I could not talk about my current experiences without discussing this, and I could not articulate it until now.... so here goes.

When I was about six years, my mom took me to a production that was entirely performed by kids. In all the theater my parents had exposed me to, I had never seen that many kids about my age on stage. Suddenly I turned to my mom, and said “I want to try that”.
I was never a shy kid, quite talkative and imaginative, so theater was a perfect outlet.
From that time, until about three years ago, my life was filled with theater. To put my career in community, and professional theater into numbers, that is 12 years, 45 shows and some odd film and tv productions, not counting the classes, private lessons and camps that I attended over the years. And don’t even get me started on the hours my amazing parents put in over the years, driving me all over Northeast Ohio for auditions, rehearsals and shows. It would be a boldfaced lie to tell you I loved every show. But I learned something from every experience, positive or negative.

I did my last show about three years ago, and for the first time I began to feel like I truly understood what people had been saying about ‘getting into character’. I threw myself into trying to understand this complex character, created an intricate back-story and allowed myself to explore every facet of this character. 
I then planned to take a break before heading off to college where I planned to study theater and participate in shows, as I had been doing for 12 years.
As in so many things, this did not go according to plan. Although I choose a program with a phenomenal faculty, fantastic classes and an impressive roster of alums who had successful careers in acting, the only show I have done in college is a one-act project for a directing class, certainly not the weeks long process I was used to, and missed.
Suddenly the first year was up and I had had just one very unsuccessful callback. To put this into perspective, the department I choose puts up over 12 shows a semester, and as I soon discovered is a intricate system of many of the same people being cast in the same kinds of shows. I thought for sure my luck would change second semester, but things remained the same, if not worse.
I had hardly ever been the kind of actress who frets over every show I didn’t get callback for, or cast in, and I don’t remember being nervous ever. My confidence in my abilities as an actor were shaken, before eventually being shattered. The outlet I had loved and spent a large chunk of my life devoting myself to, suddenly caused me nothing but grief and frustration. I began to dread going to the classes I loved, because they only reminded me what I was missing, and even walking into the building began to give me a physical reaction. I would feel my energy levels drop and it filled me with a dual longing for what I was missing, and an anger that I had left a solid foundation with connections in a supportive theater community back home.

This year, despite my great teachers and classes in that program, for the first time in my life, I made a decision that for me is revolutionary;
I quit theater.
I quit something I loved, and hope to maybe love again. 
I quit something that had ceased to fill my life with joy, energy and creativity, and was now only causing me sadness. 
I quit something I wanted to fill my life with, in order to devote more time and energy to new passions and ventures.

I have always had other passions and things that interested me, but with theater filling up so much of my life, it was often a struggle to balance these interests.
Right now, its a struggle to be involved in any facet of the theater, because this experience has left a gaping wound behind that I am slowly but surely trying to stitch back together again. Writing and sharing this is a part of that. Somehow lots of people around me just assumed that I wanted to pursue theater as a career, even though I never really indicated I did.
As hard as this period of my life has been, it has also been full of important introspection. I am re-discovering who I am and what I am interested in. Theater gave me so many gifts, like the ability to improvise in tricky situations, an affinity and ease with public speaking, and the ability to collaborate as a team. But now I am forging a new path for myself, one full of academia, work, friends, and taking care of myself, and what a wonderful new path it is.

So please, don’t give my regards to Broadway, because I’m going my own way.

(Disclaimer, the thoughts expressed in this piece are my own.)

The Six Month Mark.

I cannot believe it has already been six months since my “Little” Grandma Carol passed away after a very short, and sudden battle with Stage 4 Lung Cancer. I have so many fond memories of spending time at her home in the countryside of Ohio.
She was a feisty, strong and caring woman, who taught me so much. She fostered my love of politics, old movies like Meet Me In St. Louis, all the Shirley Temple films, and what it means to give so much of yourself to the people you love. She was the kind of person who you could call in the middle of the night, and she would drop everything to listen.
I have always felt very connected with her. Sometimes she understood me in a way that no one else did. When I was growing up she used to take me shopping and out to lunch on my birthday. I remember one particular birthday, we went Aladdin’s, I was probably 11 or 12, and we had finished our lunch, and were splitting a piece of cheesecake. She sat there for probably 30 minutes and listened to me ramble on about the smallest details of my dream home that I had concocted in my mind.
She wasn't perfect, but nobody is. She could be moody, she worried to much, and my god was she stubborn. But she was an incredible person. She raised five children, and adored her 4 grandchildren and 2 great-grandchildren.
Some days I let myself forget, pretend like this summer didn’t happen. That I didn’t come home from College to a world of hospital visits, oxygen machines, chocolate cupcakes from Au Bon Pan, and heartbreaking news, and eventually hospice.
The doctors at the Cleveland Clinic were so incredible to her, and to us. I will never forget their kindness, tenacity and determination to try and beat this. But ultimately it was just too late. I was with the other side of the family on vacation, when the decision was made to stop chemo treatments, and we were told that she had “days to weeks” to live. Apparently one of her doctors, who she thought totally looked like Prince Harry, had bonded with her over their shared love of frog legs. The night we found out, he brought her frog legs in the hospital, of his own accord and caring.
The wonderful people in the hospice not only took care of her in her last days, but they also took care of us. The support of loved ones and friends was what got us through, and is continuing to get us through.
The first thing I wanted to do when I heard about the blizzard that hit parts of the east coast early this week, was call her and let her know I was ok, because she would have worried. My heart is breaking that she won’t see me graduate from college, get married, have kids, and share in both the joys and sorrows of my life. I want more than anything to give her one more hug, say I love you, and watch Meet Me In St. Louis while eating hot wings just one more time.

Once again...

Hey Everyone,
So once again my blogging dropped off my priority list, but I'm hoping to keep up with it more this second semester and beyond.
All in all, it was a good semester! I choose some really good classes, got elected to student senate, and did plenty of baby-sitting. I made new friends,
fostered existing friendships and am trying to just let go of any anxiety around social stuff.
My Fibro was actually pretty well managed for the most part. However, I am challenging myself to make my health, both mental and physical, even more of a priority.
So in the coming weeks and months I am going to be trying to blog at least once a week.
I will be heading back to Sarah Lawrence next sunday, and I am terribly excited to tackle my forth semester head on!